Jesus, Break Me please :'(

Jesus? Are you there? I'm so stressed out!!!!!

Life was going relatively well..at least for a while. Then I made a bad decision, which has taken me away from my Sweet Jesus :'(!! How can I keep going when all I seem to do is cause pain and heartache for people??

I've been working on plans to move to CO where God and Jesus are directing my path, so that I can grow more in them and run hard for them. So I can be in continuous fellowship with other believers. I was blessed with a job on Sept 20, 2010,,and then lost my job this past Saturday Dec. 4th. I was so dependent on that job considering I hadn't had a job n 13 mths. I was so upset and so distraught I honestly thought that I was alone yet agin...

I know I'm not the best person, but I'm trying. For the last few days, I have been doing a lot of praying and crying. I haven't put my trust where in needs to be...JESUS! I've been so anxious about everything and I know I'm not supposed to because Philippians 4:7 says do not be anxious.

I feel like a FAILURE and have wanted to crawl in a hole and die...I've been sooo occupied with myself...sick...sick...SICK!!!!! I so want to be in a relationship wit the guy I'm eventually gonna marry, and I ask about it constantly...when in reality I need to love Jesus more!! That's one reason why CO is a great opportunity for me!!

I'm going to grow more in my relationship, grow more in fellowship, to jst be able to run hard with other believers, and to use my heart, and my love for people to help the team. It was one long hard year and I know Tht God is using my life majorly..SO WHY CAN'T I TRUST HIM WITH MY LIFE?!?!!

Noralyn Petrea Cook, you need to stop letting Satan control your emotions and your life!!!! Live your life glorifying God and Jesus!!!!! I only want to be soo broken and so n love with my Savior who thought of me and you on that cross!!! I want to be so on fire that everyone will know who has made me life better.

I mean, right now, I'm worried I won't get a job to pay rent or pay for anything... :'( I dont want my dad to disown me if I ruin his credit score...I want to be able to do it all on my own. I want to not have to depend on anyone :'( I want to be someone people can be proud of...I want to always encourage others...

Jesus, help me to claim your Truth and your Power in me..help me to be a better person...help me to trust you in finding a job and earning enough money to support myself....JESUS BREAK ME....PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO ALWAYS TRUST YOU AND YOUR WORD...HELP ME TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE ME SOO UNCONDITIONALLY THAT THE LOVE WILL SHOW THRU TO OTHERS!!!!!!!

Please, sweet Jesus, my protector, my strength, my song, my light, BREAK ME!!!!!!!!!!! Please dnt let me stay on rock bottom where I've been for the last 2 mths. I love youu Jesus and I want this unconditional crazy love for you and I want others to see that love in all aspects of my life!!!!!!!! :'(

So break me, teach me to trust and you will provide. Please lover don't leave me here alone help me...please give me verses and people who will remind me to put my identity in you....

I love youu <3 <3

Bible verses that are encouraging :)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." " --Jeremiah 29:11-14

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." --Psalm 37:4

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." --Psalm 119:105

"My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." --Psalm 121:2

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love; for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." --Psalm 143:8-10

the whole chapter of Psalm 139 and also Psalm 145

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it it not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." --1 Corinthians 13:4-8 :) Reminds me of the song, Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath :)

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wing like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." --Isaiah 40:28-31

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." --Isaiah 41:10

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will sau it again: Rejoice!" --Philippians 4:4

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." --Philippians 4:6

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." --Philippians 4:8

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." --Philippians 4:13

"This is what the LORD says-your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." " --Isaiah 48:17

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off, by the LORD forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." --Lamentations 2:21-33

Goodness, I love my bible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You would never believe that this bible is almost a yr old..haha its pink...which I love :) I also love the promises for my life that I can find in here.. :) Honestly, I could go on and on with bible verses I've found or read.... God is sooo great and glorious! I love God and I love Jesus :) <3 <3

Ok God.. :)

So the other day I had a serious conversation with God after all the videos and music I was listening to made me bawl. Why did it make me bawl? Well I'll tell you, so lately, I have done nothing but run away from God and Jesus.. I was at a really broken point and God used those videos to remind me to come back to Him and Trust Him. That day I really felt God's love once more and i havent felt it in a while. That day also marked the day that I shed many tears for God and Jesus... i so want Jesus to be the love of my life right now and yes it is hard.

God also used that day to place a lot of things on my heart.. Im confused but im going to keep on praying because I know that God has the perfect plan for my life..it even says so in Jeremiah 29:11. :) Im bursting at the seams because I want to know what Gods plan is for my life..but i can wait patiently..i think..LOL! I know that God has huge plans for my life and I have been so broken and lonely without them..

As I was sitting here thinking last night when I couldnt sleep I started to think about how I can be an example for others, and how I can let people see my love for God and Jesus..man! so many ideas came to my mind... I know that I have the light of Christ in me and I'm a really loving person. I was asked a couple of weeks ago "What is the one thing that people really like about you?" I thought for a little bit then said I actually have two.. "My smile which always lights up the room and my ability to love others unconditionally no matter what they do to me." That person looked at me and said, "You are so right!"

So with my smile and the ability to love others, I think that I can share that with others. I'm a friend that people know that they can count on no matter what the situation is. I've also come to the conclusion that, I have some pretty amazing friends, sisters, and brothers in Christ :)

One thing that still makes me hurt inside and out is when my biggest fear is hurting someone that I love. I hope I don't intentionally hurt someone but it could happen.. I just have to remind myself that things happen for a reason..and that I might not like that reason...

Ok God, I just wanted to say thank you for your grace and for reminding me once again that: Your Love Is Strong and that it never fails :)
Please feel free to comment or ask questions, and if I cant help I will ask someone to help me help you

<3 <3

randomness :)

Don't Waste your Life and run with those Beautiful Feet yo :) so even though i feel like crap i have decided that i want to be random. hey people get the hint ok its my life so i will do wit it wat i want 2 do wit it so dont tell me otherwise. i love Jesus..dont get me wrong. its just lately i have been running far away but he and God are right here beside me. i love mussssssssssssicccccccccccccc it makes me so happy...........i was listenin 2 the Wicked soundtrack agin earlier and it makes me smile and want 2 sing wit the music :D i love ice cream..it's the bombdiggity. i gots a sparkly blue sea turtle as a stuffed animal :) its freakin saweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i loike tuttles!!!!!!!!! :D hehehehehe i gots soda :) :) dont judge me for wat i do or dont do. ok its my life and im goin 2 live it the way i want 2!! actually i should say the way that God wants me to live my life. yeah its hard to just let God b n control but he knows wats best 4 me n my life. :) hehehehehe bounce bounce *sigh ugh sigh* i hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Urgh!!!!!!!!!!

Lately all I wanna do is freaking cry!!!!!! My life's a mess and I'm losing control of soooo many things!!!!!!!!! I just want to say FML and have been so tempted to do sumthin stupid..but I won't. At least not yet anyways!!!!!!!! I feel so empty and so lost! I need my Jesus but it's just soooo hard! Jasmin was here for 12 wonderful days.....I miss her so much!!!!! Me and Natalie finally go the chance to catch up and pray that was amazing!!!!! I miss all my CO family sooo freakin much! Y cnt I b the girl tht everyone knws my love 4 God and Jesus?!?!?! Instead I feel like I let so many people down and ya.....I jst dnt knw anymore!!!!!!!!!!! :'( life rlly sux and I wish I could jst take everyone's pain and confusion and let them live their lives but I cnt........I feel like people honestly don't like my choices. Well guess wat, it's my life not theirs!!!!!!!! I'm tryin so hard 2 do things on my own but I feel like I'm jst gettin buried deeper :( I'm done.....life freakin confuses me!!!!!!! I dnt even knw wat God has planned 4 my life and tht stresses me out too. Plus I'm frikkin sick and I hate it!!!!!! Maybe I'll go climb n a hole and cry and stay alone n the dark.....I knw my attitude sux right now but wat does it matter anyways?! I just wish I had sumone 2 talk 2 abt my problems and I'm sure I do, but lately it doesn't seem like anyone cares! Oh well who cares but my tears r officially fallin down :'( I dnt understand how I can b runnin so hard 4 sumone then jst stop. I need my joy and hope back n God and Jesus agin but j dnt want 2 lose anyone I love either. Maybe I'll disappear and not talk 2 ppl :( I just need some serious hugs!!!!!!! Maybe I'm a messed up person and ya fml!!!!! *sigh* there's so much sin around me tht I feel drawn n2 the sin..which is not good! I feel like such a horrible friend and I feel like ppl hate me.....I have let so many people down maybe it's payback!!!!!! I feel so broken and bruised :( I was listening 2 the music from Wicked earlier and I think I'm n love wit it!! The songs hv a lot of meanin 2 them.......idk wat or who I need but I knw I'm fallin apart. I build myself up then tear myself right back down. It's a no win situation!!!!!!!!! ;( urgh!!!!!!!!!! I cnt handle it anymore..I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( need major hugs and encouragement......................

Wat a bad day urghhhhhh

i didn't have a very good day today!!!!!!!! Started off with my friend screaming at me cuz I was just layin on her floor not rlly doin anythin! I kept thinkin how come I be a good influence on her? So I sat up and grabbed my bible to read and she stared not being very nice about it.....so I tried to not get mad..but I did and i felt soooo bad I mean I want to be like Jesus and speak kindly to others. So she left for work and I sat there tryin to pull myself together. At the time I was texting my friend Erica who moved from pocatello to Massachusetts! She asked me what was wrong when I was givin one word answers back (if u knw me I give more than just one word answers). I kept telling her nothing I'm fine when in reality I was falling apart!!!!! So she finally got me to admit that something was wrong and I admitted to her I was in tears and the tears wouldn't stop falling. So she started talking to me through texts. I really hated myself because lately it seems like I'm running hard from God and Jesus when I only want to run hard for them! I want to live my life with God as the center.....so I was rereading everything I've written down or gotten since the day I was saved.....which made me cry harder because I knew God was the one I needed. So I earnestly or tried to earnestly pray and seek Him for His love. Then Erica told me how much of a beautiful woman I am and how pleased she is that God put her in my life and vice versa. By this point the tears had pretty much subsided and I felt at peace with everything for a while. I even had a decent talk with my mom, which was good because me and my mom have been fighting constantly lately so I wanted to be an example and show her God's love. We were laughing and joking about everything, then she said the wrong thing and I got defensive. She hung up on me and I felt like crap!!!!! So I called her back and said I was sorry and I loved her. She didn't say much back but that's ok I guess. Then my dad called and he was making me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe..by this point I was hyperrrrrrrrrrrrr cuz I had eaten a lot of mms. My dad said I couldn't have no more and I said but but they my mms......we both laughed. Overall it was a great talk with my dad. Then another friend got in my face about some stupid crap and I snapped and told her I didn't want to talk to her for a while. Then she punched me in the face.....which was not cool. Thankfully I made the right decision and walked away from her wihout a backward glance. Then I got stuck in the middle of yet another friend fight and I hate being in the middle..urghhhhhh! Jesus I need you now please come hold me in your loving arms! I knw u love and care for all of us individually :)

my life story

Alright, so I decided I'm finally going to write a blog :) My life has not been easy let me tell you. I grew up in a home where my dad was verbally abusive. At the age of 5, my mom left him and took my brother and I with her. I'm the youngest and only girl in my family. My older two brothers are step. I remember the times being hard, but we got through. My mom put herself through college which had its ups and downs. She taught me to have a good work ethic. I learned a lot from my mom and I wish I wouldn't have been such a horrible person to her. I treated her like crap because I blamed her for all my problems..which was not cool!!!!!!!!! My brother got involved in some things that really made other people treat our family like crap.. I grew up in an LDS family and sometimes I hated living that lifestyle. When my brother got in trouble, the people from church started treating us badly..especially me. Everyone who I thought was my friend turned out to be a not so good friend. I was called every name in the book and I hated myself. I thought that I didn't deserve to live and didn't deserve to have friends. So I would try and harm myself even more than I was already doing emotionally. I fell away from the church but yet I still went not really caring about anything other than the new friends I had made. I wish I could take back all the pain that I caused for my family. So when I started into high school, the kids would continually bother my brother and I and it got to the point I wanted attention..so I started dating this kid who eventually treated me like a piece of garbage. I told myself I wanted more than just that. I finally just decided to give up again..I couldn't handle life! So I started cutting and they weren't too big for me to get noticed. I went through life in a daze. Then I met this other guy and I thought I was in love..we dated for 3 years. The first part of those 3 yrs was great but not the end of it. While dating Zech i started to really believe he loved me..psh that was not the case! I had a lot of people I loved that were dying. the one that hit me the hardest was my Grandma(my dads mom). I sat in that hospital room for a week watching her die. The day she died, I lost myself because I was laying next to her on the bed holding her hand. Then 6 months and 2 days later my uncle committed suicide. By this time, I wanted nothing to do with church but I felt like I was forced to go. In August of 2009, I met my best friend Jasmin and we hit it off from the very beginning. She had come to Idaho for another friend's wedding. When she went home she started getting her friends to talk to me via email. I was kinda scared at first to talk to them. Then I started to love the people they were and are. So in Oct. Steph J. gave me a free plane ticket to fly there. I went from Oct 15-19th. On Oct. 17, 2009, at 12:30 am I was saved. I was sooooo confused after that first night at the retreat, so Steph J walked and talked with me for an hour and a half. She sang Your Love Is Strong. It was gorgeous. Then we went back inside and woke up Nats and Jazzy. I said the prayer accepting God's Grace & I felt so much love radiating from them all but most importantly I felt God's love!!!!!!!!! I have more of my life story to tell so plz feel free to ask me about it. Ok? Since then< my life has gone better. I mean I still hv my doubts but I trust God and His plan 4 my life. I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Thx 4 readin & sry its sooooooo long< would b longer but I have other things to do.. so feel free to comment :)