Urgh!!!!!!!!!!

Lately all I wanna do is freaking cry!!!!!! My life's a mess and I'm losing control of soooo many things!!!!!!!!! I just want to say FML and have been so tempted to do sumthin stupid..but I won't. At least not yet anyways!!!!!!!! I feel so empty and so lost! I need my Jesus but it's just soooo hard! Jasmin was here for 12 wonderful days.....I miss her so much!!!!! Me and Natalie finally go the chance to catch up and pray that was amazing!!!!! I miss all my CO family sooo freakin much! Y cnt I b the girl tht everyone knws my love 4 God and Jesus?!?!?! Instead I feel like I let so many people down and ya.....I jst dnt knw anymore!!!!!!!!!!! :'( life rlly sux and I wish I could jst take everyone's pain and confusion and let them live their lives but I cnt........I feel like people honestly don't like my choices. Well guess wat, it's my life not theirs!!!!!!!! I'm tryin so hard 2 do things on my own but I feel like I'm jst gettin buried deeper :( I'm done.....life freakin confuses me!!!!!!! I dnt even knw wat God has planned 4 my life and tht stresses me out too. Plus I'm frikkin sick and I hate it!!!!!! Maybe I'll go climb n a hole and cry and stay alone n the dark.....I knw my attitude sux right now but wat does it matter anyways?! I just wish I had sumone 2 talk 2 abt my problems and I'm sure I do, but lately it doesn't seem like anyone cares! Oh well who cares but my tears r officially fallin down :'( I dnt understand how I can b runnin so hard 4 sumone then jst stop. I need my joy and hope back n God and Jesus agin but j dnt want 2 lose anyone I love either. Maybe I'll disappear and not talk 2 ppl :( I just need some serious hugs!!!!!!! Maybe I'm a messed up person and ya fml!!!!! *sigh* there's so much sin around me tht I feel drawn n2 the sin..which is not good! I feel like such a horrible friend and I feel like ppl hate me.....I have let so many people down maybe it's payback!!!!!! I feel so broken and bruised :( I was listening 2 the music from Wicked earlier and I think I'm n love wit it!! The songs hv a lot of meanin 2 them.......idk wat or who I need but I knw I'm fallin apart. I build myself up then tear myself right back down. It's a no win situation!!!!!!!!! ;( urgh!!!!!!!!!! I cnt handle it anymore..I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( need major hugs and encouragement......................

Wat a bad day urghhhhhh

i didn't have a very good day today!!!!!!!! Started off with my friend screaming at me cuz I was just layin on her floor not rlly doin anythin! I kept thinkin how come I be a good influence on her? So I sat up and grabbed my bible to read and she stared not being very nice about it.....so I tried to not get mad..but I did and i felt soooo bad I mean I want to be like Jesus and speak kindly to others. So she left for work and I sat there tryin to pull myself together. At the time I was texting my friend Erica who moved from pocatello to Massachusetts! She asked me what was wrong when I was givin one word answers back (if u knw me I give more than just one word answers). I kept telling her nothing I'm fine when in reality I was falling apart!!!!! So she finally got me to admit that something was wrong and I admitted to her I was in tears and the tears wouldn't stop falling. So she started talking to me through texts. I really hated myself because lately it seems like I'm running hard from God and Jesus when I only want to run hard for them! I want to live my life with God as the center.....so I was rereading everything I've written down or gotten since the day I was saved.....which made me cry harder because I knew God was the one I needed. So I earnestly or tried to earnestly pray and seek Him for His love. Then Erica told me how much of a beautiful woman I am and how pleased she is that God put her in my life and vice versa. By this point the tears had pretty much subsided and I felt at peace with everything for a while. I even had a decent talk with my mom, which was good because me and my mom have been fighting constantly lately so I wanted to be an example and show her God's love. We were laughing and joking about everything, then she said the wrong thing and I got defensive. She hung up on me and I felt like crap!!!!! So I called her back and said I was sorry and I loved her. She didn't say much back but that's ok I guess. Then my dad called and he was making me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe..by this point I was hyperrrrrrrrrrrrr cuz I had eaten a lot of mms. My dad said I couldn't have no more and I said but but they my mms......we both laughed. Overall it was a great talk with my dad. Then another friend got in my face about some stupid crap and I snapped and told her I didn't want to talk to her for a while. Then she punched me in the face.....which was not cool. Thankfully I made the right decision and walked away from her wihout a backward glance. Then I got stuck in the middle of yet another friend fight and I hate being in the middle..urghhhhhh! Jesus I need you now please come hold me in your loving arms! I knw u love and care for all of us individually :)

my life story

Alright, so I decided I'm finally going to write a blog :) My life has not been easy let me tell you. I grew up in a home where my dad was verbally abusive. At the age of 5, my mom left him and took my brother and I with her. I'm the youngest and only girl in my family. My older two brothers are step. I remember the times being hard, but we got through. My mom put herself through college which had its ups and downs. She taught me to have a good work ethic. I learned a lot from my mom and I wish I wouldn't have been such a horrible person to her. I treated her like crap because I blamed her for all my problems..which was not cool!!!!!!!!! My brother got involved in some things that really made other people treat our family like crap.. I grew up in an LDS family and sometimes I hated living that lifestyle. When my brother got in trouble, the people from church started treating us badly..especially me. Everyone who I thought was my friend turned out to be a not so good friend. I was called every name in the book and I hated myself. I thought that I didn't deserve to live and didn't deserve to have friends. So I would try and harm myself even more than I was already doing emotionally. I fell away from the church but yet I still went not really caring about anything other than the new friends I had made. I wish I could take back all the pain that I caused for my family. So when I started into high school, the kids would continually bother my brother and I and it got to the point I wanted attention..so I started dating this kid who eventually treated me like a piece of garbage. I told myself I wanted more than just that. I finally just decided to give up again..I couldn't handle life! So I started cutting and they weren't too big for me to get noticed. I went through life in a daze. Then I met this other guy and I thought I was in love..we dated for 3 years. The first part of those 3 yrs was great but not the end of it. While dating Zech i started to really believe he loved me..psh that was not the case! I had a lot of people I loved that were dying. the one that hit me the hardest was my Grandma(my dads mom). I sat in that hospital room for a week watching her die. The day she died, I lost myself because I was laying next to her on the bed holding her hand. Then 6 months and 2 days later my uncle committed suicide. By this time, I wanted nothing to do with church but I felt like I was forced to go. In August of 2009, I met my best friend Jasmin and we hit it off from the very beginning. She had come to Idaho for another friend's wedding. When she went home she started getting her friends to talk to me via email. I was kinda scared at first to talk to them. Then I started to love the people they were and are. So in Oct. Steph J. gave me a free plane ticket to fly there. I went from Oct 15-19th. On Oct. 17, 2009, at 12:30 am I was saved. I was sooooo confused after that first night at the retreat, so Steph J walked and talked with me for an hour and a half. She sang Your Love Is Strong. It was gorgeous. Then we went back inside and woke up Nats and Jazzy. I said the prayer accepting God's Grace & I felt so much love radiating from them all but most importantly I felt God's love!!!!!!!!! I have more of my life story to tell so plz feel free to ask me about it. Ok? Since then< my life has gone better. I mean I still hv my doubts but I trust God and His plan 4 my life. I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Thx 4 readin & sry its sooooooo long< would b longer but I have other things to do.. so feel free to comment :)