1st update in a year...lol

This past month or so I've been doing a lot of thinking...I guess I should say I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days especially. My heart is in a mass of chaos.

I miss my mom.
I miss the laughter.
I miss the memories.
I miss the homecooked meals.
I miss my brother and hanging out with him. I also miss that he protects me and would do anything and everything for me.
I miss Jenn.
I miss Tory & Wicket.
Basically, I miss my whole family & all of my friends that I am not living near...

Some people really don't know what it's like to move 9+ hours away from everyone they know and love. My heart aches to see them and hug them. But I can't...I need a job. This last year,, I have been doing a lot of job hunting and can show pages and pages of when I applied somewhere then who I called and talked to about my apps, or even the places where I went in and got face time with a manager. This last week, I was in Austin, TX for The Rock Spring Break Mission Trip. I broke down in tears twice on the first day of job-hunting. I just don't understand why I don't have a job yet...but I know that Jesus is calling me to be faithful in applying. I'm trying to network myself for any job really. I want a job that glorifies God, where I can work with other believers. A job working with kids is most ideal because I am really passionate about working with kids. We were sitting in the church where we were staying before we went out in the community to job-hunt and one of the guys from the church was giving us advice on how to sell ourselves and he told us that we needed to be BOLD in asking if they were hiring for the summer. So after that was the first time I broke down in tears...I was trying to stay strong but ended up losing it. Then out we went into Austin...every place said pretty much the same thing.."We aren't hiring right now and in the summer it might get slower..." It feels like last Spring Break and last summer all over again. I can't go thru this again...Please Jesus give me a job in Austin where I could transfer to Fort Collins at the end of the summer or one in Fort Collins that I could transfer to Austin then back to the Fort...I want to trust that you will give me one and when I think back on last summer, I know that you provided when I fully turned to you and cried out. But please Jesus somehow open the door for a job for me asap.

Another thing that's been on my heart a lot lately is the Bradshaw family. I met them over Thanksgiving break and Jesus has just been so gracious to use us in each others lives. I love Mom and Dad so much! They were in the same boat as me of not having a job...about 3 weeks or so ago they were flown to Las Vegas for an interview and then offered a position in Seattle. I was the first one they told besides their kids. Jesus has used them both so much in my life. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a family that cares and loves me for me and not for who I used to be...I feel like they treasure me and want the best for my life. Jesus has been showing me that through me and Dad's relationship that I deserve respect and love. I deserve someone who will be both of those things in my life... That's actually one of the first things that I noticed about Mark (DAD)was that he respected the women in his life. A few weeks ago, I walked in their house and he said "WELCOME HOME!" and I knew he meant it...I'm definitely sad to see them go, because then I can't just show up at their house in tears and talk to them and pray with them. Mark and I went for a drive almost a few weeks ago and he told me that I'm one of his girls and that he is really worried about me since they told me. They left this morning for Dallas for 2 weeks for job training and then they will be back on the 31st and pack their moving van and leave the next day. It's not fair!!!!! It's now hitting me like a ton of bricks. I can't stay strong anymore...the tears are falling steadily now even as I write this. What I don't understand is why everyone I love leaves me or moves? There's been quite a few this last year and it sucks and it hurts....my heart is falling apart. Sometimes the person that leaves takes a part of my heart with them...This pain is indescribable and scary. :'( Jesus, I pray that you go with Mom and Dad as they move. I pray that you give them ministry opportunities at this new job and that I can visit them and my mom often. I pray that I can stay in touch with them and still share my life with them.

I've also been working through this book with a mentor and it's a hard book for me to get through....luckily she's letting me take my time. I know that Jesus is going to use this book in my life to heal me more from my past.

I read some sweet verses today:
"A voice crys, "Cry out," And I said, "What shall I cry?" "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall but the word of God stands forever." " -Isaiah 40:6-8

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:28-31

I thought that the first verses were cool because the breath of the LORD is blowing on us...that's insane in my mind... the word of GOD stands forever!!!!!!!!!!! Which I think is soo true! I want to be able to have the word of GOD on my heart and lips more often....I love the second set of verses. It has a really cool promise that Jesus gives strength to the weary and we shall run and not be faint...WHOA!

I'm going to attempt to keep up on my blog this time...

The song I wrote

"You Are There"

You are there, when the darkness sets in.
You are the light that goes before.
You are there when there is pain!
You know the things that pain my heart, my soul, and my body.
You reach out to me during my pain saying: "Take my hand, I'll guide you. I'll never leave you nor forsake you."
You are there when all I can do is cry. You are there with outstretched arms waiting for me to run right into them. You are there to wipe the tears from my eyes and tell me, "It'll all work out in the end or in my timing."
You are there when my whole world is crumbling. You are there picking me up and pushing me forward.
You are my strength when I am weak.
You are there to help me trust you.
You are there through everything.
You are there to show me you love me.
You are there-oooh
You are there-oooh
You are there
You are there, YOU ARE THERE!

Beautiful Things--Gungor

"All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new"


My favorite part of this whole song is this part:
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Awake and Alive--Skillet

"I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here (right here), right now (right now)
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

I'm at war with the world cause I
Ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here (right here), right now (right now)
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

Waking up waking up
Waking up waking up
Waking up waking up
Waking up waking up

In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you

[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life
here (right here), right now (right now)
I'll stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

Waking up waking up
Waking up waking up
Waking up waking up
Waking up waking up"